"I really don't know what all the fuss is about. Data sharing within the public sector is a matter of common sense. All that wishy washy data protection is so 20th century."
"So, as chief executive of Bogcaster City Council, you are ordering me to extract all our personal data and hand it over to this gentleman?"
"Yes, Phil. Joe here is with Identity Matching International, working with our Bogcaster NHS Primary Care Trust. He needs our data so he can er..."
"Improve the quality of the customer service experience locally."
Crisis deepens as each member of the IT department refuses to co-operate with the project and follows me into suspension. We are now running the service from the Flea and Faceache.
Then, under pressure of his large mortgage, multiple child-support payments and addiction to online poker, Charlie cracks. It is said an expenses payment has been made, one equal to his combined credit card balance.
At least Charlie has either not noticed or failed to mention to the Dark Side that we made some modifications to the personal data pre-transfer.
We still burnt his house down, of course, but in deference to his implied co-operation we have put the extermination of his progeny down to the seventh generation on temporary hold.
Disciplinary hearing at City Hall was suspended when I produced evidence that our personal data was already being used by a call centre in Bangalore to target prospects for a new range of home improvement services.
Moreover, every single one of the fictitious male, middle-class, middle-aged internet-user data subjects we added has received penis enlargement offers at the otherwise pristine e-mail accounts we set up in their names.
Back in the office I amuse myself by reading the council's press release about the sudden departure of our chief executive on health grounds.
So far Dave has managed to add his personal data to the register of sex offenders, list of undischarged bankrupts and the FBI's most wanted list. That should inhibit his career options a tad.
Charlie is doing community service: we have put him on the helpdesk full time for three weeks. That is when he is not round the back, waxing our cars. Saturdays he digs my garden and Sundays are spent tiling Dave's bathroom.
Catch up with DPM's diary