DPM's diary: 26 June 2007

Weekly round up of events at Bogcaster Council

Monday

Called today by the editor of Grovelling Computing Magazine. At first I thought he was going to tell me off for not going to their exciting exhibition last week, but no, he wanted to congratulate me on the award. It seems we have just won the government section of Project of the Year for the new social care system.

You know, the one that is not used and we wound up last week by announcing it was finished and that it had been a great success, even though it was not and certainly has not been.

Tuesday

Meeting with Charlie and Davie Willinglambs, the offending project manager. Charlie held him fast while I hit him repeatedly in the genitals with the cricket stump I keep for this purpose on top of the large filing cabinet.

Eventually we got the confession out of him. He had foreseen the end of the interminable project he had been working on man and boy and decided he needed to move on.

For this he required a credible CV, and as his project was in fact the pants, what better get-out that to nominate it for an award.

After all, Willinglambs had reasoned, with these things it is not what you know, it is how you fill in the form that counts.

Wednesday

Nodded to Willinglambs as I passed him, walking somewhat awkwardly I thought, in the corridor. He is pathetically grateful for the glowing testimonial I have supplied our "award winning" project manager for his job application for Rochester-by-Sea Borough Council.

In which dire and festering place he will now rot away the long, and inevitably childless, years of his miserable existence.

Thursday

Mavis is working full-time fending off people desperate to know how we have managed to deliver a properly working social care system. One caller, from Mr Broon's office, asked if I was interested in a junior ministerial post in the department of shirk and hedge funds.

Friday

I thought I had timed it nicely. I arrived at the regional Asslic meeting just in time for lunch. Trouble was they were running late, so I had to go in to the meeting.

I was not really concentrating on the proceedings, the buffet was outside calling to me - "Eat me now. Eat me now!" it was saying.

So when the chair said something vaguely in my direction I mumbled something positive, like "absolutely" or "yes, just the thing" the way you do, and would you believe it, I find I have been elected on to the committee again.

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