What have you got in your pockets?
A slightly rusted business card holder, car keys, £26.20 and a Grolsch bottle top.
With whom would you most like to have a date?
I've always had a soft spot for Michelle Pfeiffer. What red-blooded man could ever forget that scene in The Fabulous Baker Boys when she is lying on top of the piano singing to Jeff Bridges. And then there's the PVC Catwoman outfit - miaow
What did you want to be when you grew up?
Rich. Unfortunately, this cannot typically be achieved by driving a digger around your parents' garden or pretending to be Batman by wearing your coat with the hood on your head and the arms out. I have since grown up a bit.
How did you get into the IT industry?
I often ask myself this question, in the vain hope of finding a way out of it. In all seriousness, I do like the industry and basically got into it by being a very successful salesman and picking IT as the most lucrative commodity to sell.
What's your favourite chat-up line?
I don't think corny lines such as "get your coat luv, you've pulled" really work at all. I've had success in the past just by making eye contact across a room. This only lasts till my eyes glaze over, though. I'm from the old school of pulling anyway - a nod and a wink.
What do you do to relax?
I play football for a local team, which doesn't so much relax me as knacker me out and make me wish I was in bed on a Sunday morning.
What's your favourite song and why?
I've got to be careful here, or I'll never get let into the Ministry of Sound again! My favourite slushy love song is Against All Odds by Phil Collins. For chilling out, I like Long Hot Summer by The Style Council. Why? I haven't bought an LP since 1987.
What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?
It's a real life mother-in-law "joke" experience. My wife's mother is quite young and lively and a bit of joker. Before getting married, I went on holiday with my soon-to-be wife and her parents to Minorca. We were walking along a very busy street and I was delayed behind a crowd of people. I saw the mother, ran up to her and playfully grabbed her bum to surprise her - just for a laugh - only to find it wasn't the right mother-in-law. The lady was very understanding and only punched me twice.
What's your favourite place and why?
I've just become a father for the first time and so at the moment, my bedroom - without my son in it - is paradise.
If you had a dinner party and could invite anyone, dead or alive, who would you invite and why?
I'd have the Dalai Lama at one end of the table with Ardiles, Hoddle and Ray Clemence discussing the intricacies of the offside trap. On the other end, Scorsese, De Niro and some girls in bikinis would be busy trying to do that "eat three cream crackers in a minute" trick. I'd like to keep the dead guests to a minimum, with the possible exception of Lenin, who I understand is very well preserved.
If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?
Get myself a vintage Ferrari for the weekends, buy a box at White Hart Lane (I'm a sucker for punishment) and pay off my gambling debts, speeding fines, tax bills, etc.
If you could make a voodoo doll of someone, who would it be?
John "The Bus" Prescott.
Is there life after death?
No, but it wouldn't stop me going up into the foothills of Tibet reciting mantras and being all "cosmic" once I hit mid-life crisis number one.
What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
I was on holiday with the missus, who is truly a fearless daredevil. She saw this terrifying contraption towering 250ft into the Madrid sky and insisted that we went on it. Basically this was a mechanical totem pole, with 10 seats attached to it, which rockets you up to the top, leaves you for a few seconds with your legs dangling and then goes into freefall before stopping 20ft from the ground. That was four years ago and I swear my stomach is still sitting 2in too high.
What's your best quality?
I'll always make time for people. It's not hard to do, there's plenty of time in the day if you don't waste any repeating yourself and partaking in really small small-talk.
What's your most annoying habit?
Liking crap films (and music - evidently), burping, saying "leverage" from time to time, and singing in the car. I even manage to annoy myself with that last one.
A Spurs fan is walking along the Seven Sisters Road when he finds this old oil lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it and out comes a genie who offers to grant him one wish. The Spurs fan thinks for a bit and says: "I love Florida and I'd like to go there every year, but I suffer terribly from jet lag. Can you build me a bridge from Walthamstow to Orlando?" The genie apologises, saying this wish is too big and impossible for even him to conjure. "What other wish can I grant you?" he offers. "OK, how about Tottenham win the Premier League next season?" says the Spurs fan. The genie ponders for a moment or two. "This bridge, how many lanes do you want on it?"
What most annoys you?
Bad manners and inconsiderate behaviour. I particularly hate it when badly behaved kids run around in public places while their parents look on passively. That's the father in me coming out now.
Who is your biggest hero/heroine?
I'm mad on sport and admire real leaders in football, cricket and rugby. My biggest hero has to be Goochy - Graham Gooch. He was a real battler and a leader on the field. Not even his suspect bushy top lip takes that away from him. I'd love to meet guys like Richard Branson and Terry Matthews too. I like how Branson operates and he has great ideas, while Matthews, I read recently, has launched 40 companies and only two have failed.
How would you like to die and what would you choose as your epitaph?
If I were absolutely forced to die, I'd like it to be over as quick as possible. I'd have something original written on my headstone, such as: "KEEP OFF THE GRASS."