What have you got in your pockets?
A wallet full of plastic and receipts, £4.99 in change and Airwaves chewing gum.
With whom would you most like to have a date?
Kirsty Gallagher from Sky Sports — she’s gorgeous and knows her football.
What did you want to be when you grew up?
Number 9 for West Ham United.
How did you get into the IT industry?
I left school, was crap at football, needed some cash, got a trainee computer operator’s role and have stayed in the industry since.
What’s your favourite chat-up line?
Not hot on these, but: “I may not be the best looking guy in here but I’m the only one talking to you.” This made me laugh many moons ago when some dodgy girl said it to me.
What do you do to relax?
Lager, football, family, sleep.
What’s your favourite song and why?
Anarchy in the UK by the Sex Pistols, because it still makes me feel like a rebellious teenager.
What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
Dressing up as a punk (homemade bondage trousers, spiky dyed hair, safety pins everywhere, etc) in my early teens to shock my parents, only to get thrown out of the house by my father laughing his head off and telling me to go and change the world.
What’s your favourite place and why?
Edinburgh, because of a feeling of returning to my Scottish roots — and I’ve never had a dull time there.
If you had a dinner party and could invite anyone, dead or alive, who would you invite and why?
My Mum — no one cooks like her. Graham Norton — he makes me laugh. The Queen — to make her do the washing up. Paolo di Canio — to see if he’s as bonkers as he appears. Kirsty Gallagher — see above. Mick Jagger — to find out how he can still be alive after all the sex, drugs and rock and roll. Then I can determine if it’s too late to start…
If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?
Waste it probably — why change the habit of a lifetime? — but I’d have a great time doing it!
If you could make a voodoo doll of someone, who would it be?
A typical accountant.
Is there life after death?
I doubt it, but I’m happy to wait a while before finding out.
What’s the most daring thing you’ve ever done?
Got married, closely followed by parachuting.
What’s your best quality?
What’s your most annoying habit?
I’m always right.
A mouse is walking along the riverbank, dead angry. He sees an elephant having a paddle and shouts out: “Oi, trunky, get out of the water.” The elephant climbs out and the mouse shouts: “Now get back in the water.” The mouse walks along a bit further and sees a hippo having a swim. The mouse shouts out: “Oi, fatso, get out of the water.” The hippo waddles out and the mouse shouts: “Now get back in the water.” The mouse carries on up the bank and sees a crocodile in the shallows. The mouse shouts out: “Oi, ugly, get out of the water.” The croc crawls out and the mouse shouts: “Now get back in the water.” This carries on for every animal the mouse sees in the water until a curious monkey swings down from a tree and asks the mouse why he keeps telling the animals to get out of the water and then get back in… “Well, one of those b**tards has stolen my swimming trunks,” replies the mouse.
What most annoys you?
Bad drivers, bad service and West Ham losing.
Who is your biggest hero?
How would you like to die and what would you choose as your epitaph?
I’d like to die after spending my lottery winnings on a lifetime with Kirsty Gallagher — happy, tired out and content. My epitaph would read: “You read it first in MicroScope.”
This was first published in March 2001