What have you got in your pockets?
Some fluff, a wallet and a bit of cash.
Who would you most like to have a date with?
Geri Halliwell, but I would want to go home after dinner.
What did you want to be when you grew up?
How did you get into the IT industry?
I started out as a Dbase programmer and quickly learned there was more fun to be had selling. Can someone let me know how you get out or is there an official escape committee?
What's your favourite chat-up line?
It's been so long I can't remember, but it was something to do with puppies that have brown noses.
What do you do to relax?
Stay out of the way of the children.
What's your favourite song and why?
This changes as new music comes along. Currently, I would say Rod Stewart with Helicopter Girl.
What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?
A new member of staff came to my house for dinner on his first day of working for us. Just after the meal, he disappeared into the bathroom and was 'very' sick.
The following day, the doctor diagnosed food poisoning from the lunch he'd had at the Birmingham NEC the day before.
What's your favourite place and why?
Rome - it has culture and ambience. I have great memories of spending many nights in the Americano bar where they only serve Tennents Super, Grappa and wine.
If you had a dinner party and could invite anyone, dead or alive, who would you invite and why?
George Bush, Tony Blair, Mohamed Al Fayed, Ali G, Honor Blackman and Geri Halliwell. I think the evening would be an absolute scream once they got going.
Is there life after death?
I hope there is - party to eternity.
If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?
Have a great life and spend it all before I died.
If you could make a voodoo doll of someone, who would it be?
Tony Blair, I just want to wipe that cheesy grin off his face.
What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
I carried our son Jasper on the cable car over the Needles on the Isle of Wight when he was only a year old.
The car is just a seat and a bar that goes down the cliff edge, no straps hold you in and I was extremely nervous that he would wriggle and try to get out.
What's your best quality?
Always being right - and I usually am.
What's your most annoying habit?
Always being right.
Viz, edition 108: I wonder if I could use your letters page to warn women about a scam that is going on. If a man comes to your door and asks to look at your tits, claiming he is doing a survey, do not show him your tits.
I fell for this one the other day and it was only later that I discovered there was no
survey, he was only trying to see my tits.
What most annoys you?
People who talk absolute rubbish, mainly politicians, advertising salespeople and PR people.
Who is your biggest hero/heroine?
My wife - for putting up with me.
How would you like to die and what would you choose as your epitaph?
I would like to die at dinner between Honor Blackman and Geri Halliwell. Epitaph: "Had fun and died happy."
This was first published in January 2002