The man from the government's ID Implementation Organisation Team and his very expensive router in its special box are still with us.
He can now tell us what his name is as he was able to access the National Identity Computer Kernel Engine Database over the weekend. When he had swiped at it, entered his 84-digit security code and stared into the retinal scanner, it came up with the goods.
His name is Carmen Miranda, he is 14 years old and came to this country as a refugee from the War of American Independence in Botswana.
Sadly we are losing Carmen. The Immigration Service arrived this morning to take him away. He is being deported to a remote part of central Asia.
However, his Child Allowance will continue to be paid into my personal account until he reaches the age of majority, which I understand is 31 in that country.
This is part of the detail of the new specially negotiated agreement that allows Britain to deport people on the clear understanding that they will not be tortured very much at all when they get home. Moreover, I, as Carmen's designated guardian, now have certain goat grazing rights in his ancient homeland.
Mavis has kindly agreed to handle the eBay listings for me. I don't think I should be sullying my hands with that kind of new-new money stuff.
Bids coming in all the time. Quite exciting really. The secret router box is not doing that well. Mention "government" and "ID authentication" in the provenance and I am afraid all credibility is lost.
However, it does look like we might be able to shift it to a bidder called "Black Dead" who suggests on his site that we "bow to the 133tness" of his name.
Its not a sale exactly. We are swapping the latest hyper-secure government gateway for a mixed set of Captain America comics. Not a bad trade actually.
With the router sold and dispatched I was able to sit back today and enjoy the real eBay action. The price has risen steadily, passing the reserve early on and, with bidding fast and furious, when the auction finally closed at 5pm today I was well pleased with the result.
Who would have thought that the right to graze a few goats in a remote part of a central Asian country would fetch 100 gold pieces, half a kilo of myrrh, two years' harvest from a small olive grove and the right to the hand in marriage of any virgin in the village?
The successful bidder was an Oracle DBA living in Crawley.
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