DPM’s diary: 19 September 2006

Weekly round up of events at Bodcaster City Council

My new Bog2Go Linux laptop is the latest product of the Filipino sweat shops, and very stylish it is too. At £450 a unit, it is our top of the range model and is described in our marketing blurb as a sub sub notebook. Even with the DVD RW and extra memory on board, it weighs in at just under 1.5kg. Pretty hot stuff.

The new laptop is proving to be more expensive that I thought. I left it on when I went for lunch today and came back to find a disconcertingly well established fire in my office. I grabbed the nearest thing to smoother the flames.

The laptop itself is under warranty. All we need to do is
ship the charred remains back to Manila and we can, exchange rate fluctuations allowing, get our money back. However, my £10,000 antique mahogany desk is a write-off, as is Mavis’ £3,000 Armani coat, which I used to put the fire out.

Mavis had just reminded me that we gave each of the prospective purchasers a new Bog2Go laptop as an example of our engineering excellence, when Dave came in to summarise the results of his hastily arranged MTBF (mean time before flames) tests. Basically, all the units tested overheated pretty damn quickly.

As Dave said, “The term laptop is particularity inappropriate as anyone attempting such a usage configuration would be certain to sustain third degree burns.”

Just then the phone rang. It was our best prospect for purchasing Bog2Go, or I should say ex-prospect. In fact, it was his secretary who phoned, he himself was in the local hospital undergoing an operation to separate a twisted slab of molten plastic and silicon from his nether regions.

Mavis started ringing round to recall the other units while I frantically studied the fine print of our public liability insurance.

The good news is that because we gave the guy the laptop, we cannot be done for product liability. The bad news is that if he dies we may be up for corporate manslaughter. Time for some damage limitation activity. I sent flowers to the hospital and an offer to pay any funeral expenses to his office. It is so important to care about customer welfare.

Looks like we are off the hook – he is recovering. Mind you, he will spend the rest of his life with a PCB-shaped scar on his upper thighs and a Wi-Fi chip integrated into his left testicle. Should make for interesting conversations with airport security.

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