DPM's diary: CP bound

The first hot weather of the year sees the return of a few old challenges to the department.

Monday

The first hot weather of the year sees the return of a few old challenges to the department. We do not have air conditioning in the offices and we are on the top floor of a flat-roofed building. One challenge, therefore, is how to keep inappropriate staff out of the suddenly very enticing computer suite.

Another management issue is dress code. We allow shorts, but only if there is no customer contact. Some PC support staff have interpreted this as a licence to go about in beach wear provided they do not actually touch the users. And let's face it, they would not want to - apart from Kevin, our new trainee, on whom I already have a large personnel file.

And then there is the hormonal factor on productivity - as the warmth increases so does the acreage of visible young skin in the department. I did ask Mavis not to go into the general office, but that only produced a long string of visitors to my outer office.

A compromise has now been agreed whereby Mavis walks slowly through the general office at two set times of the day. I also have another possible solution up my sleeve.

Tuesday

Damn! After only a few hours I have started to receive complaints about the quality of water in the water-cooler. I was told the bromide would be virtually undetectable.

Wednesday

Dave reports problems with network traffic. Looks like we might have some kind of Trojan in the system.

"But we are all open sauce!" I protested.

"Yes, well when we find it we will be able to clone the code and amend it as required without fear of licence infringement," was his unhelpful reply.

Thursday

Dave found the Trojan. It was running around the network looking for e-mail addresses of unattached men over the age of 35 and sending them to a wives-for-sale site in Laos. We decided to let it run. The quality of our incoming spam has increased significantly.

Friday

Off to an Asslic regional meeting to listen to a bunch of oldies talk about their limited concepts of the future. Many Wintersinthesun was the star turn and a delight as usual. Fell asleep and missed Awful Learer (PhD West Ham Technical College), but was woken by the strident strains of Jan Morphine who was there to tell us why the government requires us to submit a different set of useless figures on e-government progress every two weeks.

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