When David Albert, a sales executive for an IT training firm, realised that the language used in the IT industry was starting to diverge from that used by "normal" people, he decided to bridge the gap by writing a pocket dictionary of IT terms.
However, rather than simply enlightening the techo-illiterate masses with a staid list of acronyms, The A2Z of IT Bullshit reveals what people outside the industry may believe our jargon to mean. The result is an amusing insight into the way we in IT are creating a whole new lexicon for ourselves.
As a bit of fun, and to allow you to test your knowledge of the language of IT, we have compiled a quiz based on Albert's book. To the right are definitions of IT words, acronyms and phrases. Of course, they are not genuine definitions - if you think they are, it could be time for a career change - but what do they really mean? The answers are listed below.
Artificial intelligence
The illusion that computers are clever
Basic
Bill's attempt to seize industry control
Bluetooth
Keeping your partial denture in the fridge
Browser
Someone who hangs around libraries
Clip-art
The skill of smacking someone around the ear
Cybersquatters
Homeless Martians sitting on top of a PC
Downtime
Period between leaving the aircraft and realising you have no parachute
Drag and drop
Saucy nightclub act being sacked
Footprint
Something to indicate you are not alone on a desert island
Gigo
A one-legged gigolo
GUI
First three letters of an Irish stout
Hard disc
Any Motorhead CD
Hot-key
We've got access to an empty flat for a party
IBM
I blame Microsoft
Janet
A friend of John
Kermit
Has been in computers ever since he was a tadpole
Least significant bit
A husband at his wedding
Michelangelo Virus
Ceiling painter with flu
Net surfers
Californian fishermen
OLE
The cry at a Spanish bullfight
Patch
Article of clothing worn by pirates over one eye
Peer-to-peer network
Dukes, earls, viscounts and baronets all communicate this way
Quicksort
What intelligent bouncers do outside nightclubs
Rom
Two Roms don't make a write
Screen dump
A cemetery for monitors; what Customs officers have to do when a suspect swallows the goods
Stuffit
Say this to your boss and see who doesn't have a job tomorrow
Token Ring
A rushed engagement; something to do with Hobbits
Voice mail
The singing postman
Wordwrap
A lawyer's favourite game
Yaper
Programmer with verbal diarrhoea
Zip
A trouser-based device for preventing indecent exposure
The A2Z of IT Bullshit , compiled by David Albert and illustrated by Clive Collins, is published by Athena Press, ISBN 1-84401-013-9, price £9.99
Definitions for the IT industry:
Artificial Intelligence
Devices and applications that exhibit human behaviour
Basic
Beginners All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code is a simple programming language developed in the 1960s
Bluetooth
An open standard for short-range transmission of digital voice and data between mobile and desktop devices
Browser
Software facility that allows a user to easily access and search through text or a database
Cybersquatters
People who register, traffic in, or use a domain name in bad-faith, intent to profit from the goodwill of a trademark belonging to someone else
Clip-art
Pictures and graphics for desktop publishing
Downtime
The time a computer system is not available
Drag and drop
To pull an icon or other object across the screen using the mouse
Footprint
The space taken up by a piece of hardware
Gigo
Garbage in, garbage out
GUI
Graphical user interface
Hard disc
A rigid, aluminium, magnetic disc for storing data
Hot-key
A special key that activates a program
IBM
International Business Machines
Janet
The Joint Academic Network, which links colleges across the world
Kermit
Method of switching files between different systems
Least significant bit
The last number at the right-hand side of a binary set, which affects it least
Michelangelo virus
A virus that destroys data on a hard disc if the computer's system date is
6 March (the birthday of Michelangelo)
Net surfers
People who use the Internet
OLE
Object linking and embedding allows objects such as a spreadsheets or video clips to be put into a document
Patch
Software to correct program errors. Usually a temporary or quick fix
Peer-to-peer network
A communications environment that allows all computers in the network to act as servers and share their files with all other users on the network
Quicksort
A rapid sorting algorithm
Rom
Read-only memory
Screen dump
Sending the text or graphics on a computer screen straight to a printer or file
Stuffit
A utility for compressing Mac files
Token Ring
A Token Ring network is a local area network in which all computers are connected in a ring or star topology. The Token Ring protocol is the second most widely-used protocol on Lans after Ethernet
Voice mail
Electronic mail that consists of digitised speech
Wordwrap
In word processing and desktop publishing, a feature that ensures that a word is not split over two lines
Yaper
Young, arrogant programmer
Zip
A small, portable disc drive.
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This was first published in January 2003
