DPM's diary

Monday

Dave was due to fly to Mexico for his holidays today, but I went round to see him last night and administered the poisoned apple. Actually, it was a drugged pint of his favourite scrumpy, but then I am not the wicked stepmother and Dave is as about as far from Snow White as it is possible to get and stay within the same species. He should be out for 24 hours.

With luck he will think the scrumpy got him and not look for foul play. Anyway, we will have him tomorrow and that is all that matters in the grand scheme of things.

Tuesday

No show for Dave this morning and no answer from the phone. First thought was that I may have overdone it. Perhaps the combination of horse anaesthetic and strong cider is more dangerous that I thought.

I dashed over there, totally stricken with heart-felt remorse. I mean, I might have killed him. Then how would we support the network?

There was no answer to my frantic knocking and shouting. Dave does not go much for security, so a single well aimed kick broke the lock and I was in. I expected a body. All I found was three empty cider flagons and a still open tin of Andrews. His case was gone.

Obviously the combined impact of 10 pints of cider and the Micky I had slipped him was neutralisation, or at worst an unpleasant liverish feeling in the morning.

Wednesday

Passenger list checks made by Mavis via the guy in the Security Service she sees on alternate Wednesdays confirm Dave boarded his flight for Mexico City. At the same time, the network fails totally. Everything in the council shuts down.

I phone the Lone Jedi and get a message saying he is on holiday in Canvey Island. A team, armed with chloroform and a large sack, is dispatched to find him.

Thursday

The Lone Jedi arrived late last night. In the end, kidnapping was not necessary as a very large amount of money and the fact his wife Shirley was bored with him going on about Brentwood and their chances this season proved sufficient. Network services were restored just after 11pm, just before I activated my insanity excuse and booked myself into the clinic. Mavis had made a reservation.

Friday

Network still up. Perhaps I should take a holiday myself. Nah... I think I will just wait for the nervous breakdown.


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This was first published in August 2005

 

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