DPM's Diary

Weekly round-up of events at Bodcaster City Council

Monday

Apart from HR "professional", accountant, pimp and estate agent, there cannot be a more reviled career choice these days than business analyst. I remember the time when fresh faced systems-analysts and programmers - or at least those few of them that wore suits - aspired to this title.

Then, business analysts knew how things worked and were dedicated to making them work better now they are the ones no one wants to sit next to at team meetings. Everyone knows now that their real mission in life is to fire people. And they do not know how the business works any more.

Oh, they know how it is supposed to work, after all they have it all down in UML. They know how to analyse an entire administrative process end-to-end and document it and automate it so that no can understand it or stop it sending a summons to the frail old lady who has not paid her rent because her old man died six months ago and he always dealt with those things.

Tuesday

So anyway, I announced at the management team meeting that I was thinking of winding up our Modernisation Programme Team. There was a shocked silence. Eventually Dave asked, "What will happen to the business analysts?" "We will have to let them go," I replied. It is not often I get a standing ovation at these meetings.

Wednesday

Everyone at Asslic I speak to seems to think I am crazy. They are all busy hiring more business analysts as fast as they can. "But they do not do anything useful. They do not even pay for themselves," I protest.

"Ah, but our latest business plan has a return on investment calculation showing another six business analysts will generate sufficient savings to pay for themselves three times over," they say.

They seem to forget that return on investment calculations and business cases are pseudo-methodologies created by.... well, by business analysts of course.

Thursday

I had the business analysts in this morning and told them I was planning to retrain them as database specialists and systems programmers.

Most had resigned by close of play. A couple were still working late - redesigning the resignation letter I believe.

Friday

Good Friday, so I am locked out of the office to celebrate Easter. I played an excellent round at the County golf club.

At each tee I imagined the golf ball to be the head of one of my business analysts.

Worked wonders.

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