DPM'S Diary
Monday

Find myself staying at the smart Calumny Hotel with a view overlooking Princes Street Gardens and the Castle. Yes, it's that time of year again, conference season, and I am at Asslic 2004 in, to use the Gaellic, Dunedin.

A lot of these heathen ITers from the benighted South seem ill at ease in the Athens of the North. Public-sector heads of IT are not that well paid. With their plastic suitcases and C&A suits, they are certainly ill-fitted to the aristocratic glories of the Calumny and are, in truth, even a little out-classed by the glass, steel and concrete of Auld Reekie's new exhibition centre.

Last night's keynote speaker, Dirty Tatter, was billed as the president of the Association of IT Defectors, whose existence had previously escaped me.

Decided to form a UK branch and elect myself president emeritus with distinction and bells on with immediate effect.

Today's programme is predictably boring, so decanted to the Calumny bar to gossip with old fiends, not to mention old friends. Har har.

Tuesday

Recovering this morning from last night's Asslic gala dinner. While the after-dinner speaker, one of those modern comics, was mildly amusing, it was the performance of El Presidente, Cheap Guesthouse, that stole the show.

To put a Welshman in a kilt is ill-advised, but then to feed him whisky until he assents to attempt the Highland fling on the top table, well, that was uncalled for.

Wednesday

Back at Bogcaster with bags full of useless exhibition freebies, a packet of shortbread, half a stick of Edinburgh's pastel-coloured rock, a blazing hangover and, strangely, a ticket for the Hearts/Hibs match on 23 October.

Oh yes, and Fiona McSporran, my chambermaid from the Calumny, whom I have decided to help to become a business analyst by giving her a job in my IT department.

Thursday

Lunch at an upmarket (well, it's above the market) bistro in exotic Hemel Hempstead with my old friend and sparring partner, Tawdry Bordello.

Having left Stiritup, where Tawdry invented the concept of the pile-em-high-an-sell-em-cheap approach to IT service business development, he is now a director of a body-shopping outfit. I asked if he could get me any more Fionas, and he carefully noted down my detailed requirements.

Friday

Dave is complaining that we have to waste time with the latest piece of government bureaucracy, called the Electronic Service Delivery Tools Hit. It's a database into which we have to record our progress with meeting the e-government targets.

Bogcaster has had e-channels for 100% of its services for years. No one uses them, but they are there.

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This was first published in October 2004

 

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