For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of Jobs

Apple proudly claims it’s set the path of technology for the next decade with its iPhone X, but it would’ve been nice if it just did that with the one it announced half hour earlier.

Instead, the feeling of having an out-of-date handset comes as an instantaneous freebie with the purchase of the iPhone 8. Only the iPhone X maps your face onto the pile of poo emoji, which as of this month is a new bare-minimum communication standard.

And that got us thinking. Maybe we’re supposed to feel like we’re never good enough. Maybe Apple looks at the business model of organised religion and wants a piece of the pie.

Only then does it all start to add up. To visit one of its many stores, now rebranded as Town Squares, is to be part of a holy communion. To attend a keynote at the new Steve Jobs Theater, as Tim Cook gets dewy-eyed from the pulpit about the founder’s Toys ‘R’ Us-bankrupting legacy, is to go on a sacred pilgrimage. And to never afford the one device that converts your expressions into animated crap is to be born in eternal sin.

But the glamour of a keynote presentation never really captures the reality of obtaining a new iPhone, which historically takes place slumped over a desk in a drawn-out haggling exercise with a phone shop employee who inexplicably has a Samsung Galaxy.