Seasonal security alerts from [email protected]

1) Please forward to [email protected] any e-mails or other on-line communications purporting to come from Joseph of Nazareth claiming that he is stuck in a stable near Bethlehem with his pregnant girlfriend.

2) Please be aware that three escaped drug dealers have de-activated their GPS trackers and appear to be following a star. Any information on their whereabouts should be sent to [email protected] .

3) Please register and activate the smart communications and tracking facilities installed in the baby toys now available from all reputable shops. They are there to help ensure that those running the “Prevent” programme of the Judean Civil Protection Agency can locate and identify your children as necessary. Those of known bloodlines who have nothing to hide, have nothing to fear.