Investors wanted for a true shagger

It is a truth universally acknowledged on this side of the Atlantic that the version of English used by our American friends does, on occasions, stray from its British roots.

Downtime received its latest evidence of this fact through one of the many emails we receive from inventors who believe they have a great idea and wish to crowdsource funding from fools who should know better potential investors.

Welcome therefore, British-English speakers, to the Massage Shagger. It is fair to say this is not a product name likely to be quoted anytime soon on the BBC. At least, not before the watershed.

The shagger – basically, a wooden handle with two loops of wire protruding from within – is a personal handheld massager, as illustrated below.

We could, quite easily, make shameful sarcastic comments about this startling innovation, but wish no ill against its creator, the equally wonderfully named Nace Panic. Instead, we offer you the description of the shagger, in the words of its Kickstarter page:

“Who wouldn´t like a stimulating morning massage after all? And a relaxing one after your evening run. Need to boost up your blood flow during your long office hours? And remember. He can be gentle or a little rough. Like a true shagger.”

Yes, yes – go back and read that last bit again if you need to – it really does say that.

We readily acknowledge that, to gentlemen of a mature age, “shag” is something they used to smoke in a pipe. Equally, to adherents of 1960s home furnishings, “shag” was a highly desirable form of carpet for many years. And to fans of the 1989 movie, “Shag” is simply a pleasant dance conducted by teenagers wishing to explore the emerging boundaries of adulthood.

So perhaps, in years to come, Downtime will be seen as out of its time for its understanding of the modern idiom of the word in Britain – a time heralded, no doubt, by the forthcoming success and subsequent realignment of the Oxford English Dictionary that will welcome the global availability of the revolutionary Massage Shagger.