Inside the pooh-pooh committee

The sole purpose of phone software updates is now universally regarded as a means of accessing the latest batch of emojis that may have been introduced, and somewhere in California, plans were in place to make 2018 the year of the frowning pile of poo.

But the motion of adding further expressions to everyone’s favourite eternally cheerful emoji has been vetoed by the mysterious kingmakers at the Unicode Consortium.

These typographers spend their days passing judgement over proposed additions and changes to the characters that have come to inspire hearts, minds and novelty tat stores far and wide.

Their notes on all things emoji might appear to be transcribed from a version originally written in the stuff, but the people of the Unicode Consortium hate all this poo being thrown around.

They have the nerve to call pile of poo spin-offs an excrescence. That’s a word they should avoid at all costs. They’re paid to write feedback like “this character has always disturbed me” about things like sliced bagels. Their job is an excrescence on humanity.

A bunch of unelected bureaucrats calling the shots on what happens with our emojis. If we’d known about this sooner, nobody would’ve had time to leave the house for anything as needless and petty as an EU referendum.