Dads bloomin' love a Vauxhall Zafira, says Microsoft

Do you ever lie awake during an England football match, fretting about what brand sponsors you might enjoy to search for on your laptop, smartphone or tablet device? Well fortunately for all of us, Microsoft is at hand to tell us all about how brand searches for the England team sponsors are performing during the European Championships.

Unfortunately for all of us, the results are drawn from Microsoft’s ‘me-too’ search engine, Bing, which my demographic data reveals is used exclusively by dads who can’t work out how to switch their default browser settings to Google and won’t ask their kids because they still believe they understand technology, having successfully set up that useful Yahoo! toolbar.

So it’s no surprise then to find that out of the England team sponsors, Vauxhall is currently dominating brand searches during the Euros, generating 36% of all queries, as approximately 36 dads eye up a new Zafira to replace the one that blew up.

But what were the other dads looking at on Bing? Well, Marks and Sparks figured highly, suggesting 26% of them were moved to buy some new pants, a smart investment given England’s performance in the closing stages of its group games; 15% of them searched for Nike, for those football boots they’ll never use; and 13% for, for that fiver they’ll definitely lose.

A handful of dads were sufficiently aroused by the sponsors to search for Lidl, maybe to stock up on cured German meats and cut-price Riesling to bring an inclusive, pro-European vibe to England’s inevitable exit, and EE, about which I can’t think of anything funny to say, sorry guys.

"Yo-oo-oou, your Vauxhall's on fiii-re," as Kings of Leon could have sung, but didn't.

“Yo-oo-oou, your Vauxhall’s on fiii-re,” as Kings of Leon could have sung, but didn’t.

But no dads at all were interested in Panini stickers, Lucozade, Carlsberg or Mars Bars, said Microsoft.

A Microsoft spokesperson attempted to analyse the habits of dads in a quote that included the words “brands”, “connect”, “opportunity”, “behaviour”, “relevant” and “content” but otherwise didn’t add much of interest.

So in conclusion. What have we learned from this exercise? Nothing at all.