That firewall is deceased

It’s getting to the time of year when security managers begin to lighten up after another year of cost-cutting, restructures and bad content. Alan Stockey, ex JP Morgan security veteran, has put together this sketch to cheer us up as the temperature plummets and the nights draw in. It’s the “Dead Firewall Sketch” or for fans of de-perimeterisation, the “Firewall is Dead Sketch!” Enjoy.

The dead firewall sketch!  (Or the Firewall is Dead Sketch!)

The cast:
MR. PRALINE   (Ranting Firewall Purchaser)
The sketch:

A customer enters a Firewall Shop!

Mr. Praline : ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The shop owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline : ‘Ello, Miss?

Owner : What do you mean “miss”?

Mr. Praline: {pause} I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner : We’re closin’ for lunch.

Mr. Praline : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this firewall what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner : Oh yes, the, uh, the Jericho Jack!…What’s, uh…What’s wrong with it?

Mr. Praline : I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘it’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

Owner : No, no, ‘e’s uh,…it’s hibernating.

Mr. Praline  : Look, matey, I know a dead firewall when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

Owner : No no it’s not dead, it’s hybernating! Remarkable firewall, the Jericho Jack, isn’it, ay? Beautiful rule set!

Mr. Praline : The rule set don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

Owner : Nononono, no, no! ‘it’s hibernating!

Mr. Praline  : All right then, if it’s hibernating,, I’ll wake it up! (shouting at the rack) ‘Ello, Mister Freddie firewall! I’ve got a lovely fresh packet for you to filter…

(owner hits the power switch)

Owner  : There, it’s lights flashed!

Mr. Praline : No, it didn’t, that was you flipping the power switch!

Owner  : I never!!

Mr. Praline  : Yes, you did!

Owner  : I never, never did anything…

Mr. Praline : (yelling and hitting the rack repeatedly) ‘ELLO Jerri!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock wake-up call!
(Lifts the firewall out of its rack and bangs it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline  : Now that’s what I call a dead firewall.

Owner : No, no…..No, ‘it’s in denial of service!

Mr. Praline  : DENIAL OF SERVICE!?

Owner  : Yeah! just as it was wakin’ up! Jericho Jack’s deny service easily.

Mr. Praline  : Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That firewall is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of packet blocking was due to it bein’ overheated due to a recent network firestorm.

Owner : Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for IP6.

Mr. Praline : PININ’ for IP6 !?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did all its lights go out and let every connection through the moment I got ‘it home and plugged it in?

Owner  : The Jericho Jack’s designed to let connections through! Remarkable firewall, in’nit, squire? Beautiful rule set!

Mr. Praline : Look, I took the liberty of examining that firewall when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that its lights had been flashing in the first place was that you had left all the default settings enabled and hardwired a battery to the display panel  (pause)

Owner  : Well, o’course it was configured with defaults! If I hadn’t done that, that firewall, it would have stopped every packet on the network and caused an Internet slowdown and VOOM! FeeWeeWeeWee!

Mr. Praline  : “VOOM”?!? Mate, this firewall wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘it’s bleedin’ demised!

Owner  : No no! ‘it’s pining!

Mr. Praline  : ‘It’s not pinin’! ‘It’s passed on! This firewall is no more! It has ceased to be! ‘it’s certificate’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘It’s cold! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t hardwired its display panel with a battery it’d be filling up a landfill! ‘Its program features are now ‘istory! ‘it’s off the NET! ‘it’s’ kicked the packet, ‘it’s’ shuffled off ‘is copper coil, run down the cable and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-FIREWALL!!


Owner  : Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look out the back, and uh, we’re right out of firewalls.

Mr. Praline  : I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner  : {pause} I got a roooooouter.


Mr. Praline  : (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it protect network perimeters?

Owner  : Well No, Nnnnot really.



Mr. Praline : I beg your pardon…?

Owner : (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be… A Network Hack’r .  Charting out the IP Addresses of great Global businesses! With my root-kit  by my side! 
This Sketch was inspired by the great works of Monty Python and the Jericho Forum, and corrupted for your pleasure by Alan Stockey, in November 2008