Work different

Apple CEO Tim Cook’s call for his employees to return to their offices at least three times a week by September has been met with a detailed response that effectively tells him, “Nah.”

His initial memo offered little more explanation as to why we need to revert to old working ways than something Alan Sugar would fart out for The Sun to preserve his city property portfolio.

“I know I’m not alone in missing the hum of activity, the energy, creativity and collaboration of our in-person meetings and the sense of community we’ve all built,” said Cook, seemingly unsatiated by Apple’s revenues jumping 50% year-on-year.

He was probably banking on the kind of people working for him being so intoxicated by the cult of Apple, so warped by “motivational” Instagram accounts that won’t rest until everyone is guilted into grafting for 18 hours a day, that they wouldn’t notice how in the past year they’ve been able to, in their words, live “unconstrained by the challenges that daily commutes impose” and “take better care of ourselves and the people around us”.

But the capitalist propaganda that implies those unwilling to take part in the traditional rat race must be feckless freaks is a bit harder to perpetuate at Apple, a company that has incessantly promoted itself as the coolest cat in Cupertino. As Cook read on to find his staff using that against him, he must have prayed they wouldn’t be ruthless enough to go as far as invoking you-know-who:

“We’ve been a remote-communication necessary company for some time, a vision of the future that Steve Jobs himself predicated in an interview from 1990.”

These people really want to WFH.