Top banter for top bottoms

Gay dating app Scruff has had to ban pictures of users in their underwear because Google Play kept suspending it.

This is welcome news for those of us who eat pizza every single day and can’t be bothered to do any exercise whatsoever. Finally, a level playing field has emerged – except it’s not a level playing field, is it? Because that would suggest these sexy guys with abs of steel could ever match our excellent banter. Without their muscles to show off, all they have left is a misapprehension that an interest in astrology and gin constitutes a personality, whereas Downtime is the funniest weekly technology blog in the world.

The January sales were extremely tough on us, as we trawled through pages upon pages of discounted Urban Outfitters tat modelled by all the men who at various points in 2018 saw us Super Like them and rightly laughed in our face. These sites are like Generation Game conveyor belts of what we could’ve won if we weren’t absolutely obsessed with Ristorantes.

Not with this new policy, though. These models might have more time for our sardonic take on James Dyson if the competition’s gym bodies were concealed. We’re not on the beach anymore. We’re in the all-inclusive hotel restaurant, and you’re not allowed in unless you pop a top on. We can literally have our cake and eat it.