Barnet union don't know nuffink abiairt no IT neiver

Little grey-haired old lady going mental diairner Barnet council offices - 6 DEC 2012.pngBarnet union Unison dont know nuffink abiairt wot Barnet ciairnsul is doin wiv iss IT, wot iss aiartsoouwcin ter Capi’ah in a deal wuss guouner cost nearly four undred milwion quid.

But that dont ma’ah couz no-one knows nuffink abiairt it. Compoo’er Weekly spoke ter loadsa people an no-one knew nuffink abiairt no IT.

IT is supposed ter be wot is alliarin Barnet ter do iss aiartsoouwce inner first place. Iss got this plan ter sack evryone an replace em wiv bleedin compoo’ers, aint it?

Capi’ah, woss the company woss gettinner contract ter sack evryone, is guouner throw aiart all Barnet’s compoo’er systems, wot iss already spent milwions on, annen iss guouner run Barnet wiv iss own compoo’ers from bleedin Belfast or sumink.

Compoo’er Weekly already fiairnd aiart aiar officers doin Barnet’s aiartsoouwce wiv Capi’ah dont know nuffink abiairt no IT. So niair wees fiairnd aiart aiar the union wot opposes em don’t know nuffink abairt it neiver.

John Burgess, oose like the union bloke diairn Barnet, goes ter Compoo’er Weekly: “I dont know nuffink abiairt it.”

But ee says though: Ee says, “I can ava word wiv the bloke wot does the IT diairn aiar office though,” ee says. “Couz ee used ter fix compoo’ers riairnd the ciairnsul,” ee says.

“But then ee got fed up wivem. Couz they wiairnd im up, couz they wouza buncha prats or sumink. But ee might still know someone oo knows sumink.”

Ter be fair though, Unison reckons it don’t know nuffink cos the bleedin ciairnsul wont tell em nuffink.

But thass no wunder couz evenner ciairnslers at the bleedin ciairnsul don’t know nuffink abiairt it.

Youre aviner larf, intcha?

So whennay approved the aiartsoouwce last week, they made thiss right song n dance abiairt aiar they wouz approvin some offishal document or sumink, right, but the bleedin document didnt say nuffink abiairt no IT neiver, did it? Annat wouz supposed ter be ther impoouwtant bit, couz it wouz the IT wot wouz guouner allaiarem ter sack evryone inner first place!

So you gotter ask, intcha? You gotter ask. Aiar come the ciairnsul an evryfin, right? Well aiar come the ciairnsul – if it dont know nuffink abiairt no IT – aiar come it can say, right, wot it says? You know like when it says aiar the best fing wot it can do is get Capi’ah ter sack evryone annat? Annen it says iss guouner run Barnet onnese compoo’ers in bleedin Belfast – bleedin Belfast, right. Well aiar come it can say that when it aint got no-one oo knows nuffink abiairt bleedin compoo’ers?

Well I’ll tell yer. Couz that bloke Burgess reckons Barnet spent nearly fifteen milwion piairnds on consul’unts fer thiss One Barnet fing.

An you can imagine wot the consul’unts says, cuountcha? They prolly goes sumink like, well youv got all these ponsy twats workin at the ciairnsul these days, intcha? All universi’y educated, int they? An none of em can afford ter live in fackin Liainden no more. So theyre gettiner bit antsy, finkin they should ava say in aiar fings is run.

Anney wont put up wiv no crap Capi’ah call centa job or nuffink, where youz suprluss ter requirements if you fink fer yerself – not less you catchem young enuff, so you can train em not ter fink feremselves before they start finkin feremselves, so they dont know wot theyre missin, an you juss avem lined up like bleedin cattle chewn onniair fones like they wouz clumps of grass, right?

So the consul’unts says, sod all this, right. They says, get our mates at Capi’ah ter sack evryone, annen we can move all their jobs ter bleedin Belfast. But thass alwight couz at ll stop evryone in Belfast from killin each uvver, because crap jobs is better than no jobs, an we get ter sell off the ciairnsul at the same time, dunt we? Which is cushty, innit?

Leave it aiart!

It’s like wot they call social conservatism, intit? Spread the crap jobs abiairt n keep the wealth fer yerself.

Couwse, youv gotter turn good jobs inter crap jobs first, intcha? Barnet management ll be well appy abiairt that couz it means theyll av more money feremselves nniair bleedin fat cat salaries, wunt they?

But niair Burgess reckons evryones still up in arms abiairt the aiartsoouwce though. Ee might not ava clue wuss goin on. But ee still finks the ciairnsul shouldnt sack evryone. Ee says ee keeps sayin ter the ciairnsul, juss work wiv us, like, an we’ll sort somefin aiart.

“I keeps sayin terem,” ee goes. “I keeps sayin terem, ‘Work wiv us, an we’ll sort somefin aiart’.”

He reckons ees been bangin on at the ciairnsul abiairt this Lean Process Reingineerin fing. Thass suouw’er like this workplace democracy fing, innit? Iss the latest cost-cuttin fad fing, aint it? Evryones at it, int they?

But ee says the ciairnsul dont wanner know abiairt it. They juss wanner sack evryone an juss sell evryfink off. So whenniair finished it ll juss be em inniair fat cat offices anner buncha prats in some bleedin call centa in bleedin Belfast pressin buttons an fobbin you off when you fone ter complain abiairt aiar crap evryfin is in Barnet.

But even if Barnet tells Capi’ah where ter stick it, youv still got this web bisniss, where the ciairnsul’s tryin ter get evryone in Barnet usin some ponsy website insteada goin diairner ciairnsul offices whenney wanner complain abiairt aiar crap evryfin is. So you gotter sack people if you do that, intcha?

You wot?

Annen theres this Lean Process Reeingineerin fing aswell.

You gotter sack people if you do that. Couz the ole point wiv the Lean fing is that no-one’s allowed ter dick abiairt no more. So you dont need as many people onner job. An so couz this Lean fing is this bottom up, self-organisin fing, it means evryone aser say on oo gets the sack. So like evryone aster sack their own mates, like evryone’s a scab.

Annener fat cats are still oggin all the wages aswell. So you avter sack people so there’s enuff money fer em. So iss not like theres enuf money ter pay people anyway. So you might as well let Capi’ah do it an save ther bovver, innit?

So if you ask Burgess abiairt this, ee says aiar ee dont know nuffink abiairt that niever.

“You wot?” ee goes. “You wot?”

So I says, though, finkin I was all clever annat, well if evryones usiner internet annat, an if compoo’ers mean you can like merge all the backoffices wiv HR annat, an all the rest of it aswell, then thass alwight then? An ee says, yeah.

Ah well then, I says. Youre guouner avter sack evryone then intcha?

Dont be stupid, ee says. You dont avter sack evryone, do yer? Like, is not like if we ad a choice weed move all the Barnet jobs ter bleedin Belfast, is it?

So I goes, finking I was all clever annat (couz I ad my eye on a wikid story, see: Barnet union bloke reckons you should sack evryone aswell, innit? So woss the diffrence if Capi’ah sacks em?).. so I says, aiar many people should you sack then?

But ee says ee dont know aiar many people the ciairnsul should sack.

Alwight annat, ee says, we do avter sack people. But we dont know aiar many people couz the bleedin ciairnsul wont tell us nuffink.

Well do yer or dontcha?

An anyway, ee goes, the ole idea wiv Lean wouz evryone mucks in an works aiart aiarter save money, dunt they? You dont avter move two undred jobs ter some bleedin call centa in bleedin Belfast. You juss work it aiart so fings work be’ah, duntcha?

So Burgess reckons iss be’ah not ter stickem in some call centa inner first place. Couz then you juss get a load of people oo dont know wot theyre talkin abiairt. Like you fone up the ciairnsul an say, wot newspapers av they got diairner Libry annat, nney say, ‘I dont know couz I dont work at the Libry, do I?’. So thennay avter phone up the Libry an ask em, annennay avter fone you back. An thass why they call it a call centa. But it sorter defeats the object, dont it?

Burgess reckons you should juss avan extra person at the Libry oo knows wot theyre talkin abiairt. But thennay guouner close the Libry anyway, int they?

Get this though.

Apparently, Barnet’s juss got anuvver ten milwion piairnds fer more consul’unts ter tell it aiar ter sack more people. That siairnds completely mental. Iss prolly a good fing that Burgess is abiairt then, couz is day job is in mental elf, innit?

Barnet council Cabinet meeting flees from protesters to panic room - 6 DEC 2012.pngBurgess migh’er come in andy last week wenner ciairnsul Cabinet wouz signin the offishal approval for the Capi’ah aiartsoouwce. Couz it went completely mental.

A loaduv is mates went diairner ciairnsul offices and wouz wavin an shou’in annat, an all these li’le grey-aiared old ladies and old biddies annat started avin a go, anner ciairnsul Cabinet run off inter some panic room or sumink. Anenney signed it off anyway. But they put on a good show though, didnney?