Welcome to the A. List

We recently noticed a feature on the BBC’s website titled The man who taught Uber how to say sorry. After a frantic scan of the article, we learned the name of this man, and can therefore sadly confirm an American economist named John A. List has beaten us to realising our wildest fantasy.

When Uber failed to apologise for one of its drivers erroneously returning List to his own house instead of an important keynote speech, the big-shot economist used his inexplicable direct line to the company’s then-CEO to complain, resulting somehow in him being invited to personally school Uber in the art of contrition.

So our only crime for being denied the same treatment when Uber Eats delivered our quesadillas over an hour late was not being an esteemed professor. Oh, how we’d have relished our complaints earning us a golden ticket to Uber HQ, the boss hobbling out to greet us before falling into a graceful somersault like Willy Wonka.

It could have been us teaching Uber how to say sorry, but just because John A. List has a Wikipedia page – albeit one that begins, “This article is about the economist. For the mass murderer, see John List” – he’s given the red carpet.

His “expert” advice, by the way, was to compensate customers with future discounts. Wow, what a keynote those people missed out on.