The wrong trainers

Now, don’t get us wrong: we’re as jittery about living in a future of wearable technology as the next milquetoast loser. Some nights we can’t even sleep due to the nagging noughties fear that our mobile’s slowly doing a mini-Chernobyl on our head whenever we make more than a five-minute call. But what about a pair of smart trainers that can unlace themselves?

Dealing with shoelaces has always been a gymnastic ball-ache for us, to the point that the first time we heard that rumour about Marilyn Manson getting some ribs removed, we assumed that would obviously be the reason why.

But Nike’s Adapt Huaraches are here to save us from the eccentric surgical path of rib removal. A simple command to Siri is said to release these new sneakers from your feet in an instant, and we can’t foretell any specific doomsday that might come from that.

Technology is famously only a problem when it falls into the wrong hands. Nobody’s ever mentioned feet. There’s the Wallace and Gromit film that fires off some pretty stark warnings about legs, but they were manipulated by a fictional evil penguin, which we don’t have many equivalents of in the real world…

Keep Dominic Cummings away from them, actually. Just in case he programs them to smash up a Polish deli or something.