Rebekah Vardy’s out of the party

Coleen Rooney has detailed the detective work that went into unmasking Rebekah Vardy as the alleged mole of her private Instagram account.

Adopting the standard celebrity statement release protocol of sharing a screenshot of some text bashed out on the Notes app, she explained how she devised her plan. She blocked everyone but Rebekah, her prime suspect, from viewing her Instagram Stories, then fabricated news stories about herself to see if they continued to get leaked to Brexity comic book The Sun. And, in Coleen’s words, “you know what, they did!” That’s it, really.

Cue the most fascinating mutation of social media: the pally comments from random public figures. England women’s team manager Phil Neville replied on Instagram with a simple prayer emoji, while notorious reality TV bully and OG WAG Danielle Lloyd opted for a trio of rat emojis.

It’s the highlight of the app. Nothing makes you feel better during your morning poo than perusing, say, the digital guestbook of vulgar inner-circle solidarity extended to Ellen DeGeneres for her defence of hanging out with George W Bush (four applause emojis from former footballer Robbie Keane). You never knew you were morally superior to Robbie Keane before this morning, did you? They all poo, too.

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