Gartner's IT Security Summit in London hit the headlines last week. What didn't get so heavily reported though, were the analysis predictions for IT in the year 2104.
Here is a selection: the UK government runs out of Ascii characters to define new acronyms and resorts to Dingbats; suppliers declare 2104 the year of PKI; Microsoft announces that the Windows 2100 operating system, codenamed Enigma, is almost secure. It releases service pack 765921 to address the problems.
Finally, Gartner runs out of Strategic Planning Assumptions and switches to half-baked guesses. OK, we made this up, but would you notice any difference?
Goodfellas school of unusual help messages
Customers of telecoms provider NTL were left aghast as a fault reporting line told them to "f**k off". NTL has launched an investigation after customers in the North East complained about the message. According to a transcript in the Sun newspaper, this said, "Hello. You are through to NTL customer services. We don't give a f**k about you. We are never here. We just will f**k you about, basically. Just f**k off and leave us alone. Get a life."
Has NTL been learning rebranding at the feet of French Connection UK?
Older folk get hip to crooners and gamesters
The UK's senior citizens, the so-called "silver surfers", are confounding stereotypes about what they do online.
A survey has found that, contrary to myth, older people are as likely to be downloading software, music and games as buying fish fingers and thermal vests online. A third of older users - surveyed by Age Concern, Microsoft and Cable & Wireless - said the internet has given them a new lease of life. Six out of 10 said they got online after encouragement from others.
Perhaps the music companies need a new advertising campaign warning our senior citzens to stop illegally downloading Barry and Bing from the internet.
CA no longer at home with the Kumars
Former Computer Associates chief executive Sanjay Kumar has faced further humiliation after CA revoked all his corporate perks, including office space and home security services.
Kumar was forced to step down as chief executive and indicted last month by a federal jury in New York, on charges of securities fraud, conspiracy and obstruction of justice.
CA's board of directors originally agreed to provide him with office space and an administrative assistant of his choice for up to five years, as well as network connections and home security services worth about £4,981 per year.
If it is all enough to make him sick, it is a good job CA will still provide 20 years' worth of medical insurance for him and his family.
Use your nouse and you could win by a nose
The mouse could be nosed from the land of the moose.
A Canadian inventor has developed the "nouse", a PC pointing device controlled by your nose. As well as looking like the office twitcher when using your nouse, you can also become a big winker, as a wink of the eye also replaces the click of a mouse. The technology works via a PC webcam that maps your face for automatic idiot control.
This was first published in October 2004